Gender disappointment while pregnant?
Is this real? Is it ok to feel this way? Am I being ungrateful or selfish?
As mom of all boys I’ve experienced my moments of wanting a baby girl, my legacy basically my mini ME. Let me start by telling you a little back story, growing up I always wanted to be a mom of 2 boys and 2 girls. Ideally having a boy first so he’ll protect his younger siblings but GOD had other plans. I married a man who already had a son and so all I needed to have was 1 more boy and two girls. In February of 2010 my first son was born, I was overjoyed. It wasn’t until my son turned 2 years old that my husband and I started to discuss having another baby. I stressed him out daily about starting to “try” for our girl. Immediately I picked out girl names and planned our first trip to the nail salon (in my head of course) when we got a positive pregnancy test result. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t having a girl. The day of our sonogram at 20 weeks pregnant, the ultrasound technician said “Look at his little hand” my jaw dropped and the first tear rolled down my cheeks because all I heard was HIS. I cried for the rest of the day and told my husband he could name him whatever he wanted because I didn’t want another boy! Secretly for the remainder of my pregnancy I was over it and not happy at all. The day he was born I didn’t feel no instant connection like I did with my first son. I was so ashamed about this feeling but I kept quiet in fear of judgement. I loved my son of course but I was fragile and in a dark place for weeks. I should’ve been enjoying every waking moment with my new healthy baby, right? Instead I cried all day and as soon as my husband came home from work, I handed him the boys and cried myself to sleep in the dark alone! I started having anxiety attacks, constantly moody and anger over little things. It wasn’t until my 6-week check-up that my nurse practitioner noticed my attitude changed, when she asked what kind of birth control I’d be using moving forward. THANK GOD for her because she was easy to talk to. I started opening up and my face filled with tears. I was so embarrassed; I didn’t know this woman well and I didn’t want her to think I didn’t like my baby.
She told me I was going through post-partum depression, I said “no, I’m not crazy, I’m NOT taking any medication either, that only happens to bad moms”. She informed me of the misconceptions of post-partum depression and how common it is. Did I experience gender disappointment that led to post-partum depression? Maybe so, while I decided not to take the medication she offered, I started taking vitamins and working out daily. I finally opened up to my best friend and that immediately lifted so much weight off my shoulders. I started scrapbooking and capturing moments with both of my boys as a new hobby. ME time became essential to my mental/emotional health.
I still felt terrible because as a result of my post-partum depression my son bonded with my husband and not me! Every chance I got I made up for it. I told him that I love him every time I seen him sometimes 10 times a day. He means everything to me and I would never want him to feel otherwise. Mommy and me moments once a week, cooked his favorite meals and tucking him in bed EVERY night!
In 2017 I surprised my husband with a positive pregnancy test for Christmas and we were super happy about a new baby. Immediately I said “I JUST WANT A HAPPY AND HEALTHY BABY”. I couldn’t put myself or my new baby through that again. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a baby girl. I tried so hard to suppress that feeling but I’m a LEO it’s hard for us to hide our emotions. When my mom got the results back from my doctor, she called me and said “It’s a BOY” my heart broke because I knew this was my last pregnancy and I’ll never have that nail salon mommy and me date. The next day I woke up super happy so during my daily prayers, I said “Thank you, heavenly father I want you to know that I will not lean on my own understanding because you lead and I follow”. In August of 2018 we welcomed the final chapter of our baby book, Noah W Haynes.
In my opinion, is gender disappointment real? So many women are having issues conceiving and or carry a baby, how dare I be picky about gender especially giving birth to healthy baby boys. Maybe it’s your personal opinion, I’d call my experience “wanting to have a baby girl so bad”. It is a real issue? Maybe because I feel it caused my post-partum depression. I don’t think it’s being selfish at all because there’s nothing wrong with wanting something so bad and feeling a way when I didn’t get it. But isn’t GODS plan always better than yours?
To all my BOYMOMS out there, no matter how many times people ask “Are you going to try for a girl, you need one” accept the crown GOD has placed on your head and rock it like the QUEEN of your household.